(work in progress)

A trembling hand brushed her ratty hair, full of split ends and the small, careless curls, away from her face. Although she had been growing her hair out for some time, she could never quite get it past that annoying length which kept her constantly fidgeting with it. This fidgeting wasn’t a new thing for her; she was always messing with her hair, gnawing on her lip, or biting her nails. Typical attributes for any girl who is nervous, and waiting; waiting for what has seemed like forever.

However, this wasn’t just any girl. True, her overall appearance could have had her mistaken for someone else. Medium length brown hair, tinged with highlights from one too many days out in the sun, yet her complexion was still as fair as could be, her face dotted with a few careless freckles. She was normal height, about 5’5, a little underweight with small shoulders, tiny hips, and an even tinier waist. Her smile, although mostly absent, hung heavy when it appeared, almost as if she was fighting to get it up. Her cheeks weren’t rosy except for when the air was cold, or when she blushed, and she had a tendency to blush quite often. Walking with her head down in a crowd you would never have been able to pick this girl out, until she raised her head, and captured your gaze with hers. Those eyes. It was those eyes which unknowingly teased the hearts of men, it was those eyes which quietly cried out in pain yet at the same time it was those eyes which concealed some crystal blue mystery that even the owner may be oblivious to. It was those eyes which had seen sorrow in all forms and wept for the very soul of humanity. A glimpse into the recesses of these eyes left you feeling alone, isolated in this wintry gaze, ultimately captured in its beauty, despair, and intrigue. In the instant her eyes meet yours, these feelings surge through your veins, only to disappear a fleeting moment later when she her gaze returns to the cold, gray, pavement, continuing her walk along the street. In passing, after catching her eyes for that split second, you are left to wonder whether you ever really made eye contact with her at all, or if it was some fabulous daydream in which your mind wandered into.

But this night, there was no crowd to search through, no gesture to make or no words to say in hope of capturing this glance. This night it was her, and it was the waiting. Her glance was fixed on the ground, running over the dreary gravel and rocks, not daring to steal a look up, answering the question her heart already knew: He’s not here. He’s not here yet, he’s not coming, he never comes through. This incessant waiting was wearing at her heart, yet she could not leave. Glued to this boy by some unknown force, she felt that if she left now, the ripping away would leave her worse off.

 

(not yet complete…)

 

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untitled piece of my heart

a single beat
off

the rhythm of my life heard in my ears
yet not embraced in my heart
the warm passionate feeling of seeing the soft hues of pink and purple
in the sunset now escapes me
the warm passionate feeling of love
not of just one single thing, but of everything

I want to be able to rest in twilight’s arms and not
feel the dragging of reality on my weak and tired limbs
I want to sit in his eyes and not feel so betrayed
I want to understand my part; know what is written on my page

And when the wind blows, or the rains pour down upon my face,
know that it is meant
know that in the whole realm of things, it is good
and if I miss a beat I can climb back on the long and rusted track
without questioning why things, people in my life, have been taken from me

know the purpose behind my breath

and trust in that

 

Falling

sweet rose blossoms
perfume that seeps from my heart
hold me once
embrace me forever
tears of delicate powder
run down a flushed face
look into those eyes
see their crystal clear waters
lose yourself in them
let yourself drown
hold your breath
as you glide down into love
when you reach the bottom
take it’s soft hand into yours
let your fingers mix with it’s
and hold it close
while it takes you through
to another place
another feeling
and fall back into it like it was
a soft bed with satin sheets
sleep
rest in that feeling with love right beside you
running its fingers through your flowing hair
wish to never wake up
and live off of your dreams
but when you do arise
do so in the light of the morning sun
let its rays turn your face orange and warm
for a few moments
allow the sun to give you energy from its brightness
feed off of it and feed off of your love
in who’s arms you pass through the boundless day
let love hold you and whisper into your ear
look into your eyes
touch your apple-colored cheeks
and let it wipe away those tears that you had cried earlier
in the time when you weren’t known to your love
have your love next to you when the cold night comes
let it convey all of its heat to you
because it only wants to help you
sit with it under the silver stars of the night
and let it carry you once again into a tranquil rest
depend on your love
let it hold your hand whenever you begin to fall
become one with it
with your love
never look into its face unknowing
look into your love’s vision and swim in its cool refreshing waters
don’t cry soft tears for lack of happiness again
cry them because you are in love

and now you want nothing more

 

 

 

 

Covered

Light a fire in my soul and breath to me on cold winter nights
Velvet cloak embedded with numerous diamond studs
Looking up, caressing the night sky with your sanctity

Say my name softly with your voice
And by doing so, unraveling the stitching of my soul
Crystal lakes emerge, gliding down and cleansing my tangled and defiant self

Broken Chains

I can’t feel your heart lying against my chest anymore
Rubbing that smooth silver necklace
I always felt like you were there with me
And whenever I needed you, I grabbed that chain

But now that chain has broken

And tonight was the first night that I’ve let myself cry
On my back with my head on the pillow
Tears rolling over my cheeks, dampening my hair

yet salty drops won’t ease the pain

They say that time is the only thing that will heal
But how do you heal such a clichéd broken heart?

Damaged and fragile, and not worth saving
yet you kept me from drowning every time I began to slip
and now I know I have to do it on my own

but my hands still reach for that chain, that comfort

words always fail me at times like these
because my heart and head are too disconnected

I couldn’t love you as much as your deserved
And despite clinging for so long, it was time for both of us to let go

Now my hands are covered with scars
Once soothing, now clenching at my heart pains me
I can’t figure out how to live without you
But I know that I must carry on down that daunting path

I don’t know where life will take me
And it’s terrifying to go it alone
But dragging you along wasn’t fair anymore
I had to release my grasp, and having held on so tight

That I have yet to know where I landed

Ever-Present Rhapsody

a warm smell playing along the breeze, inviting a flood of memories,
luring me back
to the moments in life when nothing else existed but that
glorious
instant of revelation

about something so perfect, so beautiful, that the picture can never be repainted in my mind

only the feeling that i once knew something so wonderful still exists, haunting my
heart with an immense sense of loss, of love, and of nostalgia
for the stolen glimpse of the mysterious that I will never see again

the vision in front of me a sign of something existing truly greater than myself, than I could ever be

a soft sunset, sliding down the sky, casting onto the light blue canvas
its hues of orange and pink,
only to soon be diluted by the powerful, dark night,

revealing a whole other reality beyond our grasp, so vast, that this moment, this sunset over quietly lapping sapphire blue water, means nothing in the great scheme of the universe… with no affect on the heavens, but striking such an immense part of my soul that the whole cosmos could simply drift away from behind this beautiful scene
and I would know no difference

the clouds would still creep across the sky, leaving behind cotton candy wisps striving to keep up,
their bottoms dipped in the colors of the puddles left by the
slowly
melting
sun

the wind would still blow with its sweet melody, teasing the grass, the trees, my hair, my heart

the water, each wave a mirror reflecting the lovely sky above, would still rise and then recede back,
its determination to get past the shore never quite strong enough

the sky would still contain immeasurable beauty, fighting to keep back the stars whose
silvery faces persist on shining through

my eyes would still hurry with urgency to drink in the overflowing
brilliance of this evening

my lungs would still breathe in as much of the breeze as possible, letting it swirl in my chest,
its nectar running through my body

 

and my heart would still beat with the same passion for life

 

nothing would change, and an instant later, this moment would be as if it never existed…
a fleeting memory, its images waning yet its emotions still
trickling
down
through my soul

A Whisper of Forever

I searched for the future in your eyes
and teetering on the edge of the words you whispered I almost fell in
the soft rushing waters in their blue lakes tempted my aching body

but I was scared I was going to drown

and in that moment, when your hand gently took mine
I knew that there was no turning back
all my life melted away before me that very instant
and the only thing that mattered was the smile upon your face

then I knew, without any doubt in my mind, that I was going to hold on to your for life

no matter how strong the wind blew
or how hard the rain fell that tried to dampen my heart
because that burning inside, that longing to be with you, would keep me going

I now had something to live for
and when I looked up again, my vision caught yours, and I realized that this was it

because I had found forever in your eyes

Frozen Memories

The sun was slowly setting, leaving its traces of soft purple and blue hues in the sky. Descending, it was calling the day towards it, waiting to hold it in her sweet embrace and sing it gently into sleep. The black of nightfall began to bleed like ink upon the canvas of the early evening. The twilight was enchanting, and the stars sprinkled within her sea spoke out pure and brilliant. From the heavens, a young girl with flushed cheeks was seen walking through a midst of trees on that frigid winter night. The wind teased her long, blonde hair, and convulsed her delicate form into shudders. Yet she continued on, through the echoing woods. The cold was mirrored in her ice-blue eyes, which gazed unbroken through the timbers. A short distance ahead was a clearing which carried an air of serenity. As she caught a glimpse of the evening sky, she recalled the purpose of her long and toilsome journey. Today was her beloved’s birthday; a day of rejoicing, a day of jubilation. A year ago this same day they had been together, and as she trekked through the snowy woods, the memory rushed back to her. Glancing at twilight’s sky, flakes of a soft icy rain began to descend upon her and she could envision his beautiful face… The look that graced it was one of content. He was gently whispering to her while they sat in front of the cozy fireplace at his house, away from the cold outside. Before them was a bottle of wine, two champagne glasses, and the dozen red roses he bestowed her when she arrived. The flowers were unexpected, and the special gift made her heart blossom. She wasn’t going to give him his present until midnight because she wanted him to wait with anticipation. All throughout the night they held each other, warm and secure, and reflected on their lives together. They discussed the good times, along with the bad, and even began to name the children that they were hoping to have together one day. They were truly happy, and they decided that they wanted to be with each other until the end of time…

She kept that memory with her until she reached the clearing of the woods. This was it. It was time for her to face reality. She had been hiding from it for the past year. Now it was time to confront it, and by embracing it maybe she’d be more at peace with herself.

As she approached her destination, it suddenly became much colder, and if you could look into her eyes you would see that their lakes were frozen over with pain. The settled snow made a crunching sound beneath her boots as her hand pulled at the black metal gate that led to her lover’s home. The place was dark and dismal, and had a sense of unease to it. There was barely enough light to make out any distinct object. Her heart, which had suffered bare and cold for the past year, suddenly had a spark light up inside of it, and that heat helped her to find the way. It was exceedingly quiet, and the silence of the yard reverted her thoughts back to the memory that she had dwelled upon earlier. Her mind returned to where it had left off… He was staring into her eyes, confessing his feelings for her. As they began their conversation once more, he reached over to pour another glass of wine and realized that the bottle was empty. As he suggested that they make a speedy trip to the store, she warned that it was fifteen minutes until twelve and that they’d better hurry since she wanted to present him with his gift at midnight. Assuring her that they would be back in time, they got into his car and raced down to the store. Once they had bought another bottle of wine they began home again. The roads were slick, so she cautioned him to drive safely, despite the time. But the anticipation was getting the better of him…

The tears began to collect and a lump formed in her chest as she approached his house. It was gray and dreary, with snow covering it’s base. As she walked along the path she thrust her hand into her jacket pocket and pulled out a single red rose. Finally, after all of the hardships, she came before her beloved. The hurt in her eyes began to melt, causing tears to slide down her flushed cheeks. Once again she felt her love for him, which was now stronger than ever, and the heat inside caused her shivering to cease. Standing tall, she closed her eyes and envisioned the look on his face, remembering to the exact second everything that had happened… A year ago, at midnight, was his last breath. As she held him, kneeling next to the wrecked car in the cold, wet rain, his final exhalation of life fell warm and tender against her cheek… Opening her eyes and returning from the memory that she had struggled so long to forget, she set the red rose upon his grave, slowly turned, and walked away.

 

a single moment in time

a single moment in time
soft blue radiance melted down upon your face
perfection

as i caught a glimpse of the look in your eye
my world
stopped

the crystal air of night could not touch my frail and tired body
and suddenly i didn’t feel so weak

as your hand gently placed my hair back behind my ear
in a gesture that contained many words
i fell in

the warmth surrounded me
soothing
as i laid in your arms my heart beat depended on your every breath

your sweet smell dragged me into the night’s embrace
yet with my eyes closed and sleep overcoming my body
i knew you were there
you held me in your eyes, in your arms
and i felt safe

not a care in the world was upon me as the moonlight streamed down your face
the brutal fire of the morning sun was the farthest thing from my mind
i laid there without moving
in total bliss
basking in your presence
sharing with you
this night
a single moment in time.

On That Night (stream of consciousness writing)

One night upon starting a conversation with this man I learned of his interests for the opposite world the opposite sex you mean I asked as we sat beside the railroad track on that night a night where it seemed like it could go on forever it could just freeze and remain pure and crisp in our minds and hearts and it was on this night that I knew who this man really was because the door had been opened and on that night when I had asked that question trying to make clear the statement I knew that that wasn’t what he had meant I could tell by the look in his eyes that night a look I had never seen before but then again I never knew this man until that night this man had been changed by some incomprehensible event that he didn’t even comprehend and as I sat there trying to comprehend what he couldn’t I just gave up and looked up at that night sky and on that night after I knew that the answer to my question was no without even hearing a word from him I laid down on the railroad track to sleep it was no use to me what he had said on that night where I had made my final decision that I was giving up and moving on giving up life because actually I had never really had it I didn’t want to know about his interests for other worlds other realms of being even his interests in Cairo which was a great city he had once said on an earlier morning when we had sipped our coffee and discussed politics and he also mentioned that I would have to go there with him sometime and so I didn’t want to know about any place else but my little apartment in the city where I tried to live I didn’t want to know of any place that I didn’t already know of because I didn’t want to have a reason to stay and on that night when I had tried to lay down on those tracks the tracks I had sat by and wrote poetry as a child he took my hand in a motion that contained many words many pleas for me to stay to stay in my life not to fade out and give up but to stay and see these other worlds with him but I couldn’t stay I had to let go I couldn’t hold onto this life I couldn’t hold onto his hand and in those few seconds I knew that it was no use I had always been a fool for love and that touch reminded me of what we had had and it also showed me what we could have and so on that night that night where I was so close to giving in to the world I gave into him this man who I really only met tonight but had loved all of my life and I had given in to the hope of there being more out there than my life and it’s surroundings maybe if I would have given into life and just blacked out I might have found some god some christ like the books always had said I wanted that comfort I wanted to believe that if I gave up I would find something better and that’s why on that night I had decided to give in I wanted to be embraced by some messiah but then again how did I know that giving up wasn’t total darkness and that the stories of christ and god weren’t all made up so that the weak human race would have something to hold on to to believe in so that they wouldn’t give up so they wouldn’t stop like I had wanted to on that night before this man had touched me and had opened my eyes so that they would see the dirt beneath my feet so that they would see the tall trees around us so that they would see the city off in the distance with it’s lights and pollution so that they would see that all of it had a purpose and that my life had a purpose whether a god put it there or I put it there that it had a purpose all the same that the great story of mankind and life wouldn’t be complete without my little page and this man opened my senses on that night and I felt the breeze breath softly on my face and I could taste the salt in the air coming off from the ocean and I could hear the silence in the air I could actually hear it and at that moment on that night I could actually feel life I knew it was real I could actually imagine wanting to go to Cairo or catching glimpses of other realities or even living I felt my will stronger than I ever had before and I knew that I could make it anyone could make it no one actually ever had to surrender their life if their will was strong enough they could still continue in other ways and on that night next to that man I decided that I wanted to continue I knew love I knew him and I knew myself and so on that night I stared up at the stars with my hand in his and the sky was as perfect as I had ever seen it and on that night next to this man who I was touching who’s eyes were as blue as the lake behind my house the lake I had always adored in my youth and who’s hair was a dirty blonde that would remind me of the days spent on the sands of the beach who’s cheeks were rosy and blushed with a passion for life who’s smile warmed my soul and on that night I asked that man sitting next to me holding me under the perfect sky I inquired for him to tell me about his interests in Cairo in other worlds and in love.